While I'm waiting for the ice cream to freeze for the post tonight...

   

 May the odds be ever in your favor!

     New York State of Mind

     There are certain things that we have come to expect while taking a holiday in NYC: the naked cowboy and gal, delicious bagels, and over-priced Dunkin Donuts are just a few. These past few days, I was trying to decide if this post should be about the wonderful food I got during Restaurant Week or the straight from the source urban, summertime fashion, but decided against both. I mostly didn't want to get punched in the face for accosting strangers or taking 1,823 flash pictures of my dimly-lit entrees. Instead, I am choosing to share with you the unexpected parts of my journey and why they made the trip that much more enjoyable.

• Alternative Housing

          Up until recently, I was physically, mentally, and spiritually preparing myself for my least favorite portion of NY visits: the digs. Typically, as anyone in the "Girls" age or social bracket knows, staying in the city (which is normally Brooklyn) means a moist couch in a windowless room in 8,000 degree weather. By the grace of God and all things good, one of the friends that I visited offered a place in his soon-to-be renovated townhouse in Astoria. Queens is severely underrated and in my opinion is a quick-service food mecca. Astoria somehow allows you to drink Bud Light on the porch in the morning and still feel like you're infinitely classier than the Brooklyn Brats. Bonus points. Townhomes usually offer more space to breathe and on this trip I managed to snag my own bed with an air-conditioned room. Thanks Greg!

• Alternative Activities

          When my friend Julie suggested I take a class with her at a fabulously equipped spa that we shall call "Breathe", my initial reaction was panic. Of course I wanted to see Julie. Of course I wanted to finally see how the other half that doesn't go to Planet Fitness lives. To be honest, exercise was the last thing on my mind as I was about to eat my weight in glorious, RW food. In a last minute decision, I joined Julie for this class and have to say it was a great choice. Although I am paralyzed from the neck down as I write this, I enjoyed fitting in some exercise on my vacay. The spa offerings post devil-workout weren't half bad, either.

• Alternative Meal

          I was super excited to eat my farm fresh burrata in the "New American" atmosphere at The Lambs Club Bar in the Theatre District. After some subway finagling and more than one unsolicited marriage proposal (I'm only partially kidding), I had made it to the promised land! Something immediately seemed wrong. What is this Barbounia and what have you done with my Lambs Club? Miscommunication had landed my sister and I with a reservation at a contemporary, Mediterranean eatery, farm to table nowhere in sight. My initial reaction was hanger (in preparation for the workout, I didn't eat lunch). Then I realized I was being foolish, for I was in one of the top food destinations in the world. When in the Mediterranean, do as they do, eat falafel. My triad included the previously mentioned falafel with two dipping sauces. One of these was mango and my instinct to survive must have kicked in because it was so dark for all I know it could have been applesauce. Lindsay got a trio of hummus, baba ganoush, and tzatziki, served with grilled flatbread. I may have stolen all the tzatziki for my little chickpea nuggets of joy. For our entrees, I chose a summer vegetable gnocchi dish and the sister ate something that resembled a lamb pot pie. For dessert, I ordered a rose water panna cotta. Lindsay got something that had a billion components, one of which was milk gelato. Molto Bene! The only damper on the meal was the most bizarre couple sitting next to us, watching every move we made. If you're out there reading this somewhere, know that your creepy habits went noticed. 

Sometimes it's hard to focus and enjoy a trip when things change in a New York minute. Although my trip wasn't as planned, it ended up exceeding my expectations. By the end of my journey, I felt like this lil dude, ready for more adventure, and maybe some cheese. 

        Summer demands pies. Yesterday, I demanded a blackberry pie. Some of the other house inhabitants were fussy with my choice, but I know who I am, and they can't change me. If you've been keeping up with my posts, I have a TON of egg whites left over from other projects. For this reason, I decided to put a meringue top on my pie. Unheard of! Sacrilegious! Delicious. Here's how it went down.


Blackberry Meringue Pie

Get crusty. For one crust, combine the flour with the salt and sugar. Cut the cold shortening into the dough until pea-sized particles form. Slowly drizzle the cold water into the dough and mix just to combine. *I put an ice cube in my water to make it very cold*. Refrigerate an hour.

This is my pastry blade. It makes short work of short crusts. Puns always intended, you're in my house. 

Flour a work surface and roll out your crust and place it into your pan. Since we have a meringue top, I turned the edges up to hold it better.

MMmmmm, blackberries drunk on sucrose. Lovin it. Take your blackberries and add the sugar and tapioca flour. I added a teaspoon each of lemon zest and vanilla. I also added a pinch of salt. Always salt fruit. 

Time to whip it good. Take the egg whites that have come to room temperature (we actually danced around with them waiting for them to come to temperature this time because they will whip so much better than cold eggs). My good and long-standing friend Amanda then beat the whites to medium peaks and added the cream of tartar and the salt. She then slowly added the sugar and vanilla and beat the whites until they had  an illustrious shine, not unlike myself after Zumba. 

Pour your filling into your shell and bake. You may make a tin foil wreath around your crust if you find it is browning way faster than your filling is cooking. When the pie has finished baking, crown it with the meringue and bake under the broiler for a few minutes until it browns. 

Look at that pie. The majestic egg white mountain of beauty means this pie needs to be chilled so it doesn't pick up any little, nasty friends that will set your insides on fire and pillage what's left. 

Now for the footnotes:

• I used corn starch instead of tapioca and the pie came outta hot mess. Pun intended per usual. I think the low temperature listed sets tapioca better, whereas a high temperature would have let the starch bubble and set. 
• Since we cooked it for so long, waiting for it to set, an angelic mutation happened in the crust. The sugar in the filling set on top of the bottom layer of crust, leaving behind an igneous layer of sugary glory.
• The pie still tasted like cherubs dancing in my mouth, regardless of all the mishaps.

Recipes

Temp: 350 F

Time: 45 min

Yield: 8-10

Pie Filling:

4c blackberries

1 1/4c sugar 

3T quick-cooking tapioca

Crust:

1 1/2c flour

1T sugar

1/2t salt

1/2c cold shortening

1/4c cold water

Meringue:

4 large egg whites, room temperature

1/4t cream of tartar

pinch of salt

1/2c sugar

1/2t vanilla

*All recipes adapted from Ken Haedrich's book "Pie", which I highly suggest getting if you have an interest in pies.

         I thought this announcement wouldn't be so public, but frankly, I don't care who judges. I am in love. It was certainly a relationship found in lust but now anchored in love. Who's the lucky fellow?

Haaaiii boy, you lookin fine! That's right, the ice cream demi-gods (my ma) have smiled down on me and finally bequeathed me with the one gift that keeps on giving. No more sadly neglecting recipes that require a machine; gone are the days of my "Dreams to Remember" pinboard for churned treats. I have been shown the light and I'm not going back. Can I get a

I decided the first recipe would be something inspired by my visit to Greece. While there I had greek yogurt, topped with a thyme honey and kumquat compote. No one hates it. I specifically was enchanted by the honey, an enchantment that has followed me home. Here's my go at it.

Salted Honey-Thyme Ice Cream 

First things first, somebody tell dat bowl to chill. This ice bath situation is handy for cooling down your finished custard, essentially stopping the cooking process.

The next step is to heat the honey and salt until the honey loosens up. I went an extra step and browned my honey a bit. Was it because I forgot it was on the stove? Your call. It's important that you use a large-grain sea salt for this recipe as the taste will be cleaner. You will also hopefully be left with a few intact crystals that will add an extra flavor assault on your palette. 

Now we heat the milk and table sugar on medium until a low simmer emerges. I added vanilla and a few sprigs of thyme to this mixture. I also don't think the actual addition of sugar to this recipe is needed. Whatevah, you do you. 

Look at dem cute, lil yolks. Beat them. Now that you have copious amounts of egg whites (if you're still holding over from the puffs like I am), you should really consider putting them to good use. I think sweet applications are best since I feel lied to if I'm given eggs and, in fact, there is no yolk. 

Our old friend temper is back. Slowly add the milk mixture to the yolks. This will stabilize them into silky submission. Return this mixture to the stove and heat until it has thickened enough to coat the back of the spoon, or as the booshie fools of the culinary underworld will say, Nappe.

Combine the honey mixture and the milk mixture. Strain them into the ice bath. Finally, pour the cream straight into this mixture and gently mix, you do not want to incorporate air. Chill the mix in the refrigerator until it has completely cooled. Whoops, I'm impatient. Straight in the chilled ice cream bowl it went. My machine suggested a 20-minute churn party. It only churned for 12 minutes...because the power went out...three times...and then for good. Then I cried. Then I put the batch in the freezer, hoping it would stay cold enough to keep my first attempts at ice cream stardom alive. 

Success! Look at the beautiful texture, color, photography...oh wait, I'm terrible at taking pictures. Okay, you caught me. Like the ravenous demons we are, the ice cream was retrieved from the freezer for fear it would melt, dressed simply with some whipped cream and a ginger snap, and completely demolished before I could take a picture. In my defense, I was trying to preserve my phone battery should the zombie apocalypse that was occuring get too out of hand. In all realness, mine came out with a similar, smooth texture and color. It was fab. My family kept saying it was "too salty". Let the haters be my motivators. Embrace the salt, everyone. Shout out to "A Cozy Kitchen" where this recipe was adapted from and where I borrowed the final image from. 

Recipe 

8 tablespoons honey (clover or sage)

3/4 teaspoon Maldon sea salt
1 cup whole milk
2 tablespoon sugar
4 large egg yolks
1 cup heavy cream

Monday, Funny Monday

For most people, Monday reeks with a certain, sour odor that can only be classified as nasty.

Monday doesn't have to be so nasty, friends. I've gathered some curiosities for you that will hopefully put a smile on your face during this dark time.

• Look at this underwear I found while I was shopping. Eh-scuse me? Look at your life and look at your choices; if you're wearing those panties, the only person who should be viewing them, in theory, should be the person you're "taken" by. Friendly reminder of loyalty, or hidden agenda? 

• Now here's some sweet and unlikely animal cuddlin:

http://www.tickld.com/t/192583

• Lastly, please enjoy this melodic video depicting what every person should anticipate and do while filling up their tank (unless you're in Jersey, your poor souls, you'll never know the glory). 

There you have it! Carry on, my wayward sons, this too shall pass.

   What's my favorite thing to do when the world is melting outside? Turn on the oven. Seriously, think about it---" Honey, can you mow the lawn?"... "Sorry ma, makin a pie."..."Kels, could you take the trash out?"..."No can do, gotta wait for this loaf to rise." The possibilities of not having to venture outside are endless. There are a few summer treats that always make it onto the menu at our house. These include pies, cobblers, and coconut cakes of glory. To shake things up a bit and for the sake of living on the wild side, I've recently been making cream puffs, which have been more widely anticipated than the MIA royal baby. The puffs I'm about to guide you through came out pretty scrummy, even with all the mishaps along the way. Flying by the seat of my pants is the only way I know how to bake.*
***Read through any recipe before you start making it to avoid tears and breakups***


STEP 1: Make those puffs

Melt the butter and the water together over medium heat, bringing the mixture to a low simmer.

In a small bowl, measure out your flour, salt, and sugar and in another bowl crack your eggs and allow them to reach room temperature. Ask me if my eggs are cold. They are. 

Like the mildly athletic reader I know you are, vigorously mix the flour into the liquid over the heat until it pulls away from the sides.

Time to let that paste cool! Treat yo self to a nice, iced coffee outside. Jokes. Please do not go outside again until it's October. 

Once you're safely back inside, mix the eggs into the paste one by one. Continue to drink cool beverages, this part will put a mustache on ya.

Now scoop your paste into your glorious, professional grade pastry bag, making sure to squeeze as much air out of the top as you can before you close it. 

Pipe...bake... (make sure to lightly press down on the peaks with water before you bake so they come out in a more uniform shape).

Hello World!

It's important that you begin to bake the puffs at the higher temperature mentioned before lowering the temperature in order to get the best texture. 

When those puffs emerge from the oven, it is your sworn duty to puncture them in order to release the steam trapped inside them. They will die if you neglect this step. Do you want that on your hands? 

STEP TWO: Pastry Cream 

I would like to point out that instead of using milk the the recipe noted, I mixed 1c of half and half with 1/4c of water. Sorry I'm not sorry. 

Separate your yolks from your whites. Give the whites to your dog or make an egg white omelette. I won't judge you, at least not for the first thing. Do this first so your eggs can come up to temperature...which mine surprisingly again are not. Hate on me.

Mix your cornstarch and sugar together to avoid lumps down the line...but only in your pastry cream.

Heat the milk mixture over medium heat, bringing it to a low simmer.

Combine the starch/sugar mixture with the egg yolks and slowly add the milk mixture to temper the eggs. This will keep the yolks from scrambling. When you've added about a third of the milk to the other, now stabilized, mixture, return these contents to the pan, still over medium heat. Continuously stir until the mixture is very thick. I added one, ripe banana, mashed, and a teaspoon each of powdered ginger and cinnamon to mine at this point. Refrigerate until the next step. None of this is documented because I was alone and on a mission from the pastry gods. Ain't nobody got time for pictures. 

STEP THREE: Filling 

Fill another high quality pastry bag with your cream. This bag may burst if you apply too much pressure. My first three did. I got over it. *Cut the hole small enough to allow the bag easy access to the holes we so smartly produced in our puffs earlier.

You're finished! How does it feel? Hopefully like you're someones little, French grandma who's been making puffs since the Great War. 

First Temp: 425 F (ten minutes)

Second Temp: 375 F (thirty minutes)

Yield: 40-50

Pastry Cream

1¼ cups milk 

1 vanilla bean

¼ cup sugar
¼ cup cornstarch
¼ tsp salt
4 egg yolks

Puff

1/2 cup butter 

1 Tbsp sugar
1/4 tsp kosher salt
1 cup water
1 cup AP flour
4 eggs

(Both adapted from Flour)

    Summer months always bring out the crickle-cray fashion sense of the heat-deranged general public. There's the tried and true jort and crop top combo which is really only appropriate in metropolitan areas or the shore during a heatwave (read: now). Let us also not forget the charming high sock and slip on athletic sandal adoration that will not seem to die. These are trends that I think are pretty common and most sensible people can agree should be banned for the sake of all things good and beautiful. I've noticed a couple more trends that I'm hoping other people have noticed too and equally judge:

1. The Diaper Jort*

    The diaper jort, made famous in my opinion by Miley Cyrus and other like-minded fools, is a look that is sweeping the nations youth, and in some severe cases, tragically hip adults. It is characterized by jorts that are clearly too short for the wearer as their assets become exposed to the balmy summer air. Here's my beef. I understand that it's a tear inducing hot pot of doom these days out in the wilds of suburbia, but there are other ways to beat the heat. There are these things called skirts that allow for maximum airflow but also provide coverage to the places that need them most. Even if you have a cute backside, this aggressive style just makes me think of you as an overgrown hipster baby. Ain't nobody need that.

2. The Almost-Zipped*

    Ah, the almost zipped. I believe this is a newer trend, typically amongst beach goers. This look is not to be confused with the unfortunate "pants-are-too-tight-zipper-constantly-falls-down" type. Nono. This look is intentional and weird. It makes me nervous. You look like you're in some bizarre gang that preys primarily on the weak and the young. Are you drunk? Do the shorts actually just not fit at all so you pretend it's your artistic license to wear them like you wanna start a beach brawl? Some secrets never reveal themselves. 

With all these soul-crushing summer fashion flops, it's nice to see that some people are making the right choices. Personal fave of the moment: Maxi dresses and skirts. With the right cut and color, everyone can look like a goddess in these beautiful yet utilitarian pieces. You go Glen Coco!

* Titles are subject to changed based on my growing outrage of said trends.

For all the honies out there melting into puddles, this one goes out to you:

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=fb1_1372256145

     I love writing and food like a fat boy loves his ice cream in the sweltering Jou-ly heat. I also like being inappropriate and salty on a daily basis. That being said, these accounts will hopefully inspire and intrigue as well as offer insight on what life is like post-college but pre-settled. Follow me on a journey of food, humor, fashion, and inter-animal relationships.

                                Peace an Blessins,
                                                           Pastry Anne